we sit around on computers,
text on cellphones nonstop,
and play xbox to feel active.
this is our fun.
but it isn’t fun to me.
I miss outside and playing
yet these seem childish and wrong.
what am I supposed to do.
I miss hanging out and doing nothing.
now we are always doing something
we go shopping,
go to the movies,
go to a restaurant,
go, go, go.
what would it even mean to just hang out?
I think being in the same room
and just talking to each other.
no phones, no tv, no music.
but we can’t do that.
we would be uncomfortable.
we are adults goddammit.
we have the freedom to do,
so we must do all the time.
God forbid we stop
and realize how little we
actually are enjoying ourselves.
For me, the tricky thing about summer is that almost as soon as it starts, I want it to end. I want to go back to my friends and my independent life. Summer is such a tease.
I often wonder if I am a good friend. I think that once you get to know me I am a good superficial friend but I don’t know if I make a good life long friend. Am I someone that people really want to be around? Maybe. Am I someone that people want to have deep, personal conversations with? I don’t think so. It makes me kind of sad but I’m not sure that I want to have those deep conversations. Sometimes I feel left out, but I don’t want to be let into the realm of complexity that is deep human relationships. I have a hard enough time with my own baggage, I don’t want to carry someone else’s.
Just make it to spring break…
Things seem to be collapsing but I just want them to stay okay for five more days. Then peace and relaxation will hopefully occur.
Today has been the worst day. I just want it to end.
Words
I feel like I use words that they are infinite and I think this habit is horrible. I don’t think about what I say and I just speak. But do I really say anything important? No. I feel like I should save my words and only use them when I actually have something to say and express but I don’t know how to do that. How can I function in a world of small talk and fleeting encounters if I try to stop my superficial ramblings? I guess the bigger question is will I ever have something to say?
Really unhappy with myself today. I didn’t do well on my test and im pretty sure that I pissed one of my friends off.
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